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Creating Positive Energy
When I give a talk about Overcoming Negativity, I demonstrate how the nature of your attitudes affects the energy of your body. I ask a volunteer from the audience to stand up and hold out their arm sideways with their thumb pointing down and then to resist when I press down on their arm. They resist this pressure easily. Then I ask them to concentrate on negative experience or concern. The difference is dramatic. Using the same pressure, their arm gives way as if their muscles have become weak. Next, I ask them to concentrate on a positive experience or feeling. Once again, their strength is restored and they can easily resist the pressure.
This experiment illustrates the weakening effects negative thoughts and emotions like worry, anger, doubt and fear have on our physical energy. It also illustrates the strengthening effects that positive thoughts and emotions have. When your goal is to your build positive attitudes and reduce negative ones, you nurture not just your psychological health but also your physical health
Try This Yourself.
Hold your arm out to your side with your thumb pointing down and your palm facing back. Ask a partner to try to press down on your arm down hard enough to just resist the pressure. Tell the person to count to ten then press down on your arm with the same amount of pressure. During that count of ten, think of a worry or fear you have or something that causes you anger or disappointment. Repeat this a second time, only this time, think positive thoughts.
Everyday Wisdom
How many times have your heard: "believe in yourself" or "don't give up." Remember the story of The Little Engine That Could? Hope, faith and positive beliefs are important sources of strength. When we see a glass as half empty, we focus on what we don't have. When we see a glass as half full, we focus on what we have. The direction of our focus does not change the reality of what's in the glass but it certainly changes our viewpoint and creates a change in attitude.
Your Solution Oriented Strategy:
Your solution-oriented strategy is to notice any negative thoughts you habitually have and develop alternate positive ideas to replace them. Say the positive thought aloud. Practice this until it is a habit. Take those alternative positive ideas and put them into practice. Generate as much positive energy as you can. Why? Because research shows that positive attitudes characterize people who are resilient and resilient people enjoy better health and happier lives.
The Consistency of Character
When my children were small and I took them to the zoo, lions roared and elephants trumpeted. If I went to the zoo tomorrow, guess what? Nothing's changed. Lions don't trumpet; elephants don't roar. Why not? Because their basic characteristics stay the same. People are like that. Our basic characteristics tend to stay the same as well.
If your current partner hates their ex; swears at traffic; or is abusive and they say they will change: a good rule of thumb is to remember: Don't believe what people SAY: believe what people DO. If you want change: be realistic. Change takes hard work. We cannot eliminate a difficult childhood, unlearn bad experiences or choose a new temperament. We can't change who we are, but it is possible to learn how to manage ourselves more effectively and compensate for certain aspects of our temperament.
I think of maturity as the ability to think, relate and behave in positive ways to yourself and others, perform effectively, be productive and nurture healthy ways of living. Likewise, immaturity is the inability to effectively manage our thoughts, impulses and behaviors so we damage our health, our relationships and ourselves.
When five year olds behave maturely for their age, they have to grow to be considered mature at ten. Mature twenty year olds have to grow to be considered mature at thirty, and so on. In other words, maturity is a life-long growth process. And at every age, we will succeed in some aspects of our lives and have problems managing other aspects. For instance: we may have great friendships [mature ways of relating] and terrible eating habits [poorly managed impulses around food], or a fantastic a work ethic [excellent productivity and time management] but be neglectful of our significant others [unrealistic about how to nurture intimacy].
It is possible to create improvements and changes in how we think and behave. For instance: 12 step programs teach: "once an alcoholic always an alcoholic," yet group members really change the way they manage drinking impulses and behaviors. Phobics can likewise learn to manage fearful reactions. When I come across spiders, I've learned to control my impulse to scream and run away unlike when I was a child. When I go skiing I reassure myself that no one falls out of chair lifts so I won't either [I hope]. Lots of people have learned to manage fears or eliminate bad habits. How about you? What do you manage in a mature way? What pressures or difficulties trigger you to behave immaturely?
If you feel stuck in negative patterns or don't know how to solve a personal problem: you can consult a psychologist or counselor. Psychotherapists cannot change your past, but they are trained to help you accept who you are; support you in taking responsibility for your mistakes; gain insight into your defenses and limitations; and increase awareness of the way you relate to others. They help you rehearse new skills, eliminate bad habits, manage negative feelings, communicate more easily and make healthier lifestyle choices.
There is an old joke: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But the light bulb has to really want to change. This is an echo of real life. People have to want to change and it may sound silly, but to change they cannot stay the same. They have to learn to do things differently and break old habits and this takes work: hard work. Without real effort, there are unlikely to be lasting changes. [Lasting means for months and years not just till the next argument or difficulty]. So remember, consistency of character means basic characteristics don't change much. If someone is dishonest, violent, always in debt, bad tempered, abusive, negligent, passive aggressive or messy and they say they will change... don't trust their words, look for changes in their behavior and their ability to own and make good their mistakes. And if you want to change something about yourself, put reminders where you will see them, join a group, get support and persist, persist, per!
sist...
I think creating the right balance between satisfying our own needs and the needs of others and learning how to monitor and manage our habits, thoughts and behaviors takes a lifetime. At least it is taking me that long and I haven't finished yet by a long way.
Next month there will be an article building from this one about, "Innoculation therapy," which is a fun way to survive being around people who are always critical without taking their comments personally.
Healing Sprained Joints and Ski Injuries
Knees, elbows ankles and wrists are all joints where there isn't much flesh insulating the bones. Ligaments and muscles are attached to the bones at your joints. When they are injured they hurt.
At first, ice may be used to reduce swelling, but after that, one of the easiest ways to promote healing is to keep your injured joint warm. This optimizes blood flow and blood carries oxygen and nutritients to repair the damage and removes carbon dioxide and other waste products.
Say you have an injured knee: try checking how warm your knee is. Place your hand on your knee. If, after a couple of minutes, the hand and knee feel warmer, this demonstrates your knee was at less than body temperature before you put your hand on it, even if it did not feel cold.
Unless we are too hot, our body pulls the blood supply away from the surface of our skin to conserve body heat. Therefore, the closer your knee is to your internal body temperature, the better the circulation and the better the chances of optimum healing.
Artic fleece is a soft and easy fabric which maintains body heat well. Try winding a 4 to 6inch strip of this material closely but not tightly round the knee to hold in your warmth. Keep it on, even when you are asleep, for maximum healing.
This technique is useful for healing any injury to the bony bits of your body like your wrists, ankles, elbows and shoulders. To keep a damaged shoulder warm, put on a T-shirt then, then place 8" circles of fleece over your shoulder inside the shirt.
You can use other fabrics that hold warmth like flannel, soft wool scarves, silk scarves and most fabric stores stock it. Remember, since blood supplies the nutrients for healing you want the best supply possible plus heat helps to mask the feeling of pain.
Tropical Salad and Hot Chocolate
Easy Nutrition: Tropical Shrimp Avocado Mango Salad
Take one full avocado, two ounces of cooked prawns or shrimp and a quarter of a bag of Trader Joe's frozen mango pieces or one fresh mango. Cut all of them into small half-teaspoon size chunks. Add slices of a tomato or two on the side.
Mix three heaped teaspoonfuls of tomato ketchup with three heaped teaspoonfuls of creamy horseradish sauce. Don t like horseradish - then use mayonnaise.
Pour the mixed sauce over the chunks of fruit, avocado and prawns/shrimps. Eat slowly, one bite at a time and savor the flavors. Add one or two slices of wholewheat bread [no butter needed - there is sauce on your food].
This makes a quick, easy dinner, and if you eat it slowly savoring each small chunk and chewing it well before you put the next piece in your mouth, it will take time to eat. Slow eating is good because it takes around 10-15 minutes for your stomach to signal to your brain to turn off the hunger signal. If you eat quickly, you still feel hungry even though you have the exact same amount of food.
Eating slowly leads to control of your appetite
Which leads to eating less...
Which slows down weight gain and
Assists in weight loss
It works!
The Best Hot Chocolate Ever!
Commercial hot chocolates are very sweet. If you want really good, chocolaty hot chocolate use a mix of unsweetened cocoa and hot chocolate [I buy Droste 100% cocoa from Cost Plus World Market and Ghirardelli Chocolate Hazelnut or Double Chocolate].
Heat a 12 oz mug of [non-fat] milk in the microwave. When the milk is hot, mix in two teaspoons of cocoa and half a teaspoon of chocolate mix and stir till dissolved. [If you add the mix before you microwave, it seems to overflow]. If it is still too sweet or if it is not sweet enough; alter the proportion of cocoa to chocolate mix until the sweetness is "just right."
ENJOY.
Saying Goodbye: How to end a Relationship with Dignity
Saying good bye is an art that preserves what has been good about a relationship.
When someone ends a relationship with dignity it means they express regret that the relationship did not grow to meet their expectations and they don't say hurtful things. It means that you feel they self respect you and still appreciate your good qualities. The loss may leave sadness, but you know it will heal. A decent leavetaking means you feel that if you meet this person in the future, you can be friendly. Best of all, you don't stop liking this person. Being decent means they said goodbye without saying anything that would spoil the good memories.
But, let's say you have a partner who makes love to you one week and abruptly terminates the relationship the next then refuses to communicate with you. This is a very different experience. It is hard not to feel worried, angry or hurt. You may be left speculating who this person really was or doubting your judgment because this kind of abandonment and rejection injures trust. You need to remember, avoidant behavior like this says more about the person who treats you this way, than it says about who you are. The abandoning partner may have little clue about the damage they cause. They may believe this kind of emotional cut-off, "is kinder." They could not be more wrong. They are probably inflicting on you, a replay of an emotional cut-off they have experienced as a child. It may never occur to them that the pain they suffered then, is what they are doing to you now.
If you have a partner who ends your relationship with complaints, accusations, blaming or abusiveness, they know they are hurting you and may be too angry to care. If they are skilled blamers they will blame everything on you. Remember, in a relationship each individual's behavior tells you about who they are, not who you are. Even though a parting like this can be painful and damaging; in the long run, think yourself lucky to have escaped devoting any more of your life to this person.
We don't just invent how we feel. Sometimes, relationships just don't work out or live up to their early promise, but if you treat the other person decently you may generate friendship and respect.
Five Goals for saying goodbye with dignity:
1. Express regret that it did not become the right relationship for you [and hope the other person will meet a better match soon]
2. Acknowledge and validate good qualities you will remember [and keep quiet about their shortcomings - we all have them]
3. Express appreciation for good times you shared; say you will miss these [shared losses are easier to bear rather than "my escape = your loss"]
4. Admit that you are aware this ending will be painful for the other person [and be ready to accept the person's anger, tears or grief without avoiding, dismissing, ridiculing or shaming them for their feelings]
5. Take responsibility for any changes in your feelings and don't blame [blame is destructive, unfair, hurtful and achieves nothing but dislike
Check out the book Emotions Revealed if you want to learn how to "read" emotions of others with more knowledge. It's an interesting book.
For Women Only: Plumbing Problems
I read an interesting article last week in one of the journals I read; it said one woman in four experiences urine leakage. I had that messy problem myself after my baby was born. Every time I laughed, coughed or drove over a bump in the road, I was a teaspoonful lighter. I was lucky, I knew a few weeks of doing Kegel exercises would correct this nuisance. Kegels are a simple squeeze of the muscles that control your bladder and anus. You squeeze hard, hold the squeeze a couple of seconds then release and you do these in sets of ten at a time.
Sally [not her real name] was depressed for a number of reasons; she admitted one reason was urine leakage. She felt embarrassed and humiliated and was afraid that by the end of the day, she would be smelly.
I asked her if she knew about Kegels.
She said, "My physician told me to do them every day but it's made no difference.
"How many do you do?" I asked her.
"Ten."
How often?
"Once a day," she said.
Whoops!
To cure leakage, you do sets of ten, forty or fifty times a day. How? You do ten squeezes at every stop sign or red traffic light; ten when you wait to walk across a road; ten every time the phone rings or you make a call; ten at the start of every commercial break on television or radio; ten every time you use the microwave, ten when you go to the bathroom or wait for an elevator; ten every time you open a letter or read an article or use your credit card... Are you getting the idea? It took Sally just over a month of doing this many to stop her leaking.
Remember that statistic: 25% of women experience this problem. Don't be shy about talking to your physician if you have this or any other symptom that bothers you. When you neglect problems they don't always get better by themselves.
Check with your physician to make sure the leakage isn't an indication of something like an untreated bladder infection or hormone shortage then mark six weeks on your calendar and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, and squeeze...
By the way, a bonus for those of you who care: Kegels also improve the tone of your vaginal muscles and improve sexual response...
Interesting Books about Understanding People
Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life.
Paul Ekman / Times Books / ISBN 0-8050-7275-6 / hardback, $25
This book is described as a fascinating read. It describes how we interpret and experience emotions as well as how we can learn to improve our emotional skills. Paul Ekman has been a researcher of emotional expression for 30+ years plus he is an excellent writer. For anyone who has phobias or panic disorder, this book is an excellent addition in learning what it takes to master the emotional responses you experience. If you work with people, then it clues you into how to interpret some of the most subtle and easy to miss expressions that can signal when someone is beginning to feel an emotion or trying to suppress an emotion. When you learn to identity emotions we can modify our communications with people both at home and at work and it also benefits us when we try to manage our own emotional responses. If you are interested in this book you can order it from my web site with Amazon.com. [The link is on page one of the ezine.]
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence
Gavin De Becker / ISBN 0-315-23502-4 / in paperback / hardback $25
This book is a real life psychological thriller which educates about the perils of having people in your life who do not respect you when you say "No." If you have tried to end a relationship or know you want to end a relationship with someone who is going to be really angry if you do: this is the book to read. It tells you how to identify the subtle signals that herald danger and how to avoid violent confrontations.
The Carrot Cure
You know how it is, you feel miserable or bored and you prowl around looking for chocolate, cold pizza, anything that will be act as comfort food even if you will regret the extra pounds later.
I remember being about twenty-six years old. I was living in a small house in England I had been shopping and bought a Batten berg cake from Marks and Spencer. This is a sponge cake wrapped in a layer of marzipan that cuts into 8 neat square pieces and I love marzipan. So I went home and ate a piece, it tasted good so I ate a second piece. After dinner I eat again - yes, two more pieces. About nine o'clock, I'm home, I'm alone so I wander into the kitchen and you've guessed, I ate another piece. By this time, logic is setting in. Having eaten most of it, it was just not worth saving the rest, so I finished the whole cake. Did I feel bad about myself? Yes, but it did not stop me.
Eating like this became a habit, which I had to break or buy bigger clothes. I decided to quit the habit so I bought 5 pounds of big carrots and made a bargain with myself. I told myself, I could eat as many cookies or slices of cake that I wanted, provided I ate a raw carrot first. The first carrot crunched up easily, the second wasn't too bad, by the third carrot my jaws would ache. I remember one time wanting more of the delicious, delectable custard creams I had bought and returning empty handed to the living room because I couldn't face one more carrot. I think it took a total of about ten pounds of carrots to break the compulsive habit of eating I was using to "fill the gap" in my life.
When loneliness or boredom strike, it is too easy to eat to satisfy an inner hunger. These days, I try to use more realistic ways to resolve loneliness or boredom, I've also noticed that when I exercise I am less likely to snack but the temptation remains that's why there are carrots in my refrigerator...
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