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Welcome to February's Issue of resources for improving the quality of your life, love and relationships.
Thank you all the readers who have emailed me to say they enjoy the ezine and especially the number of you that have found a specific piece of information that has made a real difference. This is the feedback that makes writing worthwhile. My subscriber list is increasing.
From the last issue, I had 14 women communicate they had used the Kegel exercises with good results and they had also passed this article along to other woman they thought might benefit.
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I hope you enjoy this month's issue. Previous issues are now archived on my web site.
The Ten Minute Solution
Give yourself ten minutes to complete a small task that is not a great priority but that you really want to do when you "have a minute." The messy drawer, the untidy desk, the thank you note, the phone call to Aunt Jane; cleaning shoes... you know: those little tasks that you keep reminding yourself you need to do. Find ten minutes a day and you will complete seven tasks a week or 366 this year since it's a leap year. One client had a store room to sort out and no time to do it. Each day she started with ten minutes. Shelf by daily shelf she sorted and after about three weeks it was reorganized. I wrote this and started on my pantry shelves...
The best part of this ten-minute routine is that it works to help you to finish those annoying tasks that you have procrastinated doing. Once done, you don’t have to think about them anymore; which is a relief. This ten-minute routine also gets you plotting how to break down larger tasks you hate into smaller, easier components that you can polish off ten minutes at a time.
Inoculation Therapy
Inoculation Therapy
An inoculation is given to prevent you developing a disease. In this article, I am applying this term to a technique to prevent the dis-ease that occurs when you anticipate having to interact with someone you find difficult.
Jenny [not her real name] longed for her mother's approval and tried so hard to win her love but was always defeated by her mother's unrelenting criticism. Her mother would say she was too thin or too fat; say her house was too neat or too messy; her granddaughter too wild or too inhibited. In other words, if Jenny was X she was criticized for not being Z. If she was Z she was criticized for not being more X. It seemed impossible to please her. I agreed.
I thought Jenny needed to prepare for her mother's semi-annual stay of one week by doing things that pleased her and her husband Tom but she first needed to do the inoculation task which was to make a list of her mother's characteristic complaints. I had her go over this list with her husband to ensure she had included all the usual ones.
Her mother arrived and complained: as usual. Only this time, Jenny was instructed to find time to consult her list and check-mark the criticisms that she had predicted her mother would make and add to the list any that she had overlooked. After the visit Jenny brought in her list. About two thirds of the items had been checked and Jenny said that this visit had been the happiest she had ever had.
What did this homework do? It made Jenny realize that no matter what she does or how she does it, her mother comes out with the same old criticisms she has been hearing all her life. So, instead of spending time trying to avoid her mother's criticisms, she relaxed and let her mother criticize without getting defensive [and checked or added items to the list]
What are some of your relatives' or boss's characteristic comments? If you make a list of them you are forced to see how predictable they are. Now you know they are predictable, why waste time trying to avoid them. Spend your time, doing a good job but forget about trying to be perfect in every possible way. A true complainer can find fault even where there isn't any and a true supporter will always see the good in you and both types will do this whether you deserve it or not.
Did Your Valentine Expectations Crash?
It is especially satisfying to feel our life partner cares about us as a unique, irreplaceable special person in their life. Unfortunately, sometimes the box of chocolates or a delivery of flowers just doesn't feel special.
Guys:
Women want to know you care about their happiness. A single flower given for no reason except to say I love you can mean a lot more than a telephone order for an expensive array that someone else has chosen, put together and delivered. I remember getting some beautiful red roses but repeated mentions of how they cost $80 made the money seem more important than the gesture.
If she loves chocolates go buy them. One chain allows you to choose individual chocolates to go in the box. Taking the time to choose her favorites makes the gift special... after all, it's the thought that counts. They weigh the same and cost the same as the prepackaged ones but by choosing the ones she likes, you are a winner. However, even a ready selected box is streets ahead of one of the gift coupons he doles out to business clients. If you want to surprise her send her a treat in priority mail cardboard envelope to her office.
Perfume: giving her a bottle of her regular perfume becomes routine. When you are next near a perfume counter suggest she sample some of them. Some days later, or after a business trip, arrive home with a bottle of a perfume she sampled and liked. Why? Because it means you cared enough to remember, cared enough to shop for her and wanted to please her... remember it's the thought that counts.
Gals:
Men get tired of socks, shaving kits and tools. If your guy likes chocolates just as above: choose the ones he likes versus the automatic selection.
If he plays golf, while golf balls are useful, they are not particularly romantic but choosing a golf shirt that is a reminder of a shared holiday or a weekend away is romantic. Adding a note that says how much you enjoyed the time with him will be a winner. Remember to choose within his style range. Don't give a "loud" patterned shirt to a conservative dresser or a sophisticated one to a casual guy. It's not what you like; it's what he likes.
Write him a note of appreciation for something he does routinely and put it where he will find it within a few days: in a pocket, lunch box, glove compartment, toolbox, golf bag. Men like to feel appreciated. If he wishes you'd wear some sexy underwear and it's not really your preference, surprise him by wearing it to bed, that way you won't be wearing it for long.
Buy extra special tickets to a ball game. If you go to the box office you can sometimes returned season tickets that have been donated back or tickets that are released from ticket agencies. When you are there, ask the person behind the counter when those kind of tickets become available.
Finale
Think about the meaning of what you convey when you give a gift or sign a card. What do you want your partner to know about what you feel for them? I remember getting a card from a sweetheart when I was about 17. The verse said, I'd climb the highest mountains etc etc and it was signed: see you Tuesday night if it's not raining.
Remember it's not what you say, it's what you do that conveys real feelings. Actions speak louder than words.
Blue Roses
Yesterday, I stopped by San Francisco Flower Market to buy apricot roses and instead, found the perfect color for my purpose: a celebration of equality and justice for all. I arrived at San Francisco’s City Hall carrying an armful of very special deep blue roses whose tips had been touched with sparkles and gave them to newly wedded gay guys who were mostly in their forties, fifties or older. Most were alone or with a few friends: sadly, few had parents or family present.
As a psychologist, I have listened to gay clients tell of horrific experiences in high school: of having stones thrown at them by classmates; of being raped; ridiculed, and forced to provide sexual favors to heterosexual male peers. Did they tell anyone? Mostly no: for fear of retribution that would be even more vicious. I also know gays and lesbians who were and are banished from their families.
Being gay or lesbian means dealing with difficult issues that as a heterosexual, I have never had to face. Today, I watched history being forged and I am glad I was there to wish these couples, who had no control over the inter-uterine environment that determined the development of their sexuality, the greatest joy possible as they began their marriages.
I was not the only stranger honoring the marriages. Flower arrangements are being delivered to San Francisco City Hall from all over the world. I saw a newly married lesbian couple in their fifties, open a card that came with red roses. It read: "Best Wishes from Moscow, you are setting an example to the world!"
I don't presume to know what God wants except he clearly made all of us no matter what our sexual orientation or bedroom practices. I know gay guys who are raising legally adopted children. If they can be parents, why not spouses?
After twenty years of living here, I became a citizen last October and today I was proud to be an American in this wonderful city of San Francisco. Those sparkly blue roses were FUN and I wish you could have seen the pleasure of those moments.
Lazy Nutrition and Easy Exercise
Sometimes, when you get home from work hungry and tired, cooking is the last thing you want to do. Research has shown that some people do not differentiate between feelings of thirst and hunger. So, if you are really hungry drink a glass of water for starters. That way, you satisfy thirst masquerading as hunger with water instead of food.
Lazy dinner #1: Take a can of soup [not a cream soup] and pour it into a bowl and add a cupful [or two] or frozen vegetables. Microwave for two minutes and stir then for another two minutes and check if it is hot enough. Viola! In five minutes or less you have a reasonably satisfying meal of commercial soup with added vegetable nutrition. Want to slow down your eating speed - eat it with a teaspoon!
Don't like soup? Try opening a can of pork and beans [fish out the bits of pork fat] and heat the beans. Scramble a couple of eggs and eat with the beans for a meal of protein, vegetable and fiber. Want to make if tangier? Add soy, hot pepper or steak sauce. [Brits use HP or Daddies sauce] Slice a tomato or two on the side and flavor with a dash of vinegar.
Cut an apple into four quarters and trim out the core. This is dessert.
Still hungry - eat an orange.
For some easy exercise:
Every time the commercials come on television, lift your foot and straighten your left leg. Hold your leg out straight for the length of a commercial [30 seconds approx]; the next commercial, straighten your right leg: repeat. There are about 10-12 minutes of commercials each hour!!!
When you microwave, don't just stand there, hold the counter at arm's length and do squats slowly. Slowly means you use muscle strength for longer.
It all helps: remember a dripping tap will fill a bucket in a day. These little bits of exercise use calories and create health one effort at a time.
Books worth reading
Lighting Your Path: How to Create the Life You Want
Joanne Victoria, ISBN 0-9638343-0-4 softcover $12.95
Joanne gave me a copy of her book: once I started to read it, I just continued. It is simply, straightforward and practical. It makes you think about what is really important to you; how to take charge of your time and life and reasons for trusting your personal choices. This is one of those books that remind you of life principles that tend to get buried in clutter and busy-ness. If you don't have time to read: this is the book to get.
This book is obtained directly from the author via her website at www.JoanneVictoria.com
Esteemable Acts: 10 Actions for Building Real Self-Esteem
Francine Ward, ISBN 0-7679-1218-7, Hardback. $23.95
This book tells the story of Francine's remarkable life and how she found life giving energy to overcome very difficult circumstances in her own life. She inspires you to apply easy practical ideas to improve your own sense of self-esteem. Francine is not just a remarkable author; she is also a personal friend and so I can attest to how she glows with positive energy and puts into action the very lessons she teaches.
Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss
Hope Edelman, ISBN 0-385-31438-8, Softcover, $12.95
I don't think I ever fully appreciated how not having a mother through my adult years affected me until I read this book. It puts into words, through the stories of numerous women of all ages, the difference the loss of a mother makes in your life. If you have lost your mother, this book will help you identify and compensate for this loss. A challenging read, that brings into focus unmet needs you may have because you no longer have your mother.
The Secrets of Savvy Networking: How to Make the Best Connections- For Business and Personal Success
Susan RoAne, ISBN 0-446-39410-6, Softcover $11.95
Anyone who has been out of work since the crash that hit the NASDEQ knows how hard it is to get a job in today's economy. If you read this book, you will be ahead of your competition. Savvy Networking gives you essential techniques and strategies for making the most of your social network to generate interest, meetings and new contacts for the benefit of either your social or your business interests. Easy to read and understand, it affirms skills you already have and helps you to apply them more systematically to get what you want.
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