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Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
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In This Issue:
Featured Links:
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Welcome to the August Issue of Dr. Sylvia's Resources for Life, Love and Relationships.
Welcome to the August issue of the newsletter.
I scheduled this issue for the last Tuesday of August then departed for the Maui Writer's Conference. It was still in my computer when I came home, so I obviously missed one important command in the send process. That's the bad news, the good news is that you will have the September issue in just two weeks.
The articles this month are about making the most of your life. I have also included one about the coming winter holiday season that many of you find stressful. Try some of the suggestions to simplify the holiday preparations.
Remember, I never divulge your e-mail address so you can safely forward my newsletter to friends and family. This issue will be read in Australia, Britain, Hong Kong and in CA, MN, KY, FLA, NV and HI. If you are reading it in a different state or country please let me know.
Qualities for Happiness: ZEST
Positive personality traits associated with life satisfaction, include ZEST as one of the five most important qualities that characterize people who say they are happy. The other key traits happy people possess are hope, curiosity, love and gratitude.
Any cook will tell you that zest is the name given to the yellow part of lemon peel. Zest contains the oils that provide the sharp, piquant flavor that “lifts” or “brightens” the flavor of the foods to which it is added.
Zest is the quality of adding “life” to what otherwise might be mundane and ordinary. Synonyms for zest include enthusiasm, enjoyment, gusto, kick, spirit, liveliness, elation, excitement and eagerness.
Zest is the opposite of boredom and apathy. It is a by-product of activity and effort, exploration and creativity; it is fed by novelty and curiosity, playtimes and fun times.
How do you generate zest? You may already have lots of ideas, but if you don't, try doing something different. If you have never been white water rafting – try it. If you have never learned how to ride a bike – try it. If you have never been on a hike – try it. If you have never been north of here or east of there – jump on a Greyhound or drive your car and [you guessed] try it. Stimulation from an enjoyed activity creates zest.
You have heard the saying: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Try doing something new outside your usual comfort zone. This might be something you wanted to do as a child and never did; or something that challenges your fears.
If you discover just one new activity that is fun and exciting, or one new friend, your efforts will be worth it. Just like the zest from lemon peel, one new enthusiasm can add zest and enhance the flavor of your whole life.
Some people want the feeling of zest without any effort and use drugs to create their "buzz" but drugs wear off and the buzz disappears. The artificial “up” feeling is followed by “down” that may last for days.
There are no free rides, if you want the genuine power of zest in your life, you have to create it. True zest lasts and can be remembered and enjoyed. It is longer not followed by depression and it promotes good mental as well as physical health.
Get enthused; be passionate about a person, an activity or a cause; get Zest.
What Is This Thing We Call Trust?
People are distressed when they feel they have been deceived by another person. Most of these deceits are not big issues like infidelity or concealed drinking, bingeing, or overspending, but smaller everyday issues like: he says he’ll call and he doesn’t; she says she’ll be home and she isn’t; he says he’ll clean up and he doesn’t; she says she won’t do that; then she does. These patterns of small discrepancies indicate a lack of reliability. A lack of reliability is the element that undermines trust.
Maybe the person who says they will do something then doesn’t, is avoiding the conflict that might ensue if they said, No” to the person upfront. If your partner has a habit of agreeing to do a task and then not following through, if they say one thing and do another; consider how you behave if they refuse your request outright. If you accept refusals gracefully, ask the other person to be more direct and say no rather than agree and then neglect to follow through. Tell them how their lack of follow through is more upsetting to you than a straightforward “No.”
If you are guilty of saying you’ll do something, then you don’t do it: take responsibility and own up to your lack of follow through. If you don’t, do be disappointed when the other person acts like they don't trust you.
When you want to evaluate trust, pay attention to this basic truth: you don’t trust what people SAY, you trust what people DO.
Where there is a discrepancy between words and action, trust actions over words every time. Behavior is a much better measure of someone’s trustworthiness than anything they can say. When you meet someone whose words and actions match, you have found someone you can trust to do as they say and speak in accordance with how they behave.
August Nutrition: How to Choose a Melon
1. Choose melons for their depth of color, smell, weight and feel.
2. A ripe melon has a sweet heavy aroma: no smell = it’s not ripe.
3. Melons are full of juice: a ripe melon has more juice than an unripe one. Whe two melons are the same size, the heavier one will be juicier.
4. The texture of the melon skin is important. A waxy feel to its skin comes from its sugar content.
5. A good melon is firm: it can have a slight softness at its stalk end but if the melon itself is soft it is overripe and will have a mushy texture.
Wash melons before you cut them. Remember, they grow sitting on the soil near worms, bugs, animals and dirt. Chill the melon then cut into halves or quarters, spoon out the seeds and eat the inside flesh plain or sprinkled with spices. You can use ginger, or all-spice, nutmeg, or cinnamon; or yOu can fill half melons with shrimp smothered with a spicy dressing.
For dessert, try serving slices with crushed raspberries, maraschino cherries or powered chocolate. [You can also serve a small half melon with liqueur poured into its center]
Opinion Piece: Same Gender Marriages
Isn’t it time we started to talk about gender instead of sex when it comes to marriage. Same gender or different gender, any two people over 18 years of age taking on a legal commitment can only be a stabilizing force for society. Marriage is about cherishing, caring, loving and being a family. Sex is only one aspect of the intimacy, companionship and friendship that sustain a marriage. Marriage is an investment, a personal and social commitment.
The idea that “they” can call non-heterosexual unions something else, is pointless. As Shakespeare said a long time ago: ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.’ He meant that it really doesn’t matter what name you pick for a particular reality since the name cannot change the reality of what is. On that basis, a non-conventional marriage called by another name won't stop it being a marriage.
Divorce is a destabilizing social force: it destabilizes the couple divorcing as well as their extended families, the social groups they belong to and communities they live in. Such destabilization is particularly hard on children of divorcing parents. A terrible marriage may be more traumatic than a divorce but divorce is hard. Often, a traumatic divorce is followed by a succession of life style disruptions as parents struggle to find new partners or solve financial problems. Some continue battling each other.
Divorce affects grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends. Divorce splits friendships. You know how it is: if you are friendly with the guy, you can’t still be as friendly with his ex-wife or vice versa. If you are her friend you can’t be friendly with her ex. You stop inviting them to the same social events. Lots of divorced people feel betrayed by former friends.
If you believe same gender relationships damage society and you want to offset social damage: please put your efforts into services that support single parents [otherwise known as the new poor] go listen in child support courts to the better paid parent [typically the father] fighting NOT to pay child support for their children; listen to the heated battles in child custody mediation services at City Hall.
Same-gender marriages are unlikely to affect you but the effects of divorce surround us. Please, put your time and effort, money and service into Big Brothers Big Sisters [www.bbbsa.org] or The Boys and Girls Clubs [www.bgca.org]. These organizations help to offset some of the damage opposite-gender divorces wreak on the children of our society. In my opinion, this is much more productive of social stability than fighting to to stop marriages for people who feel love for someone their own gender.
Looking Older?
Last month, I wrote about chronological age compared with biological age. I had several e-mails asking about other factors that improve biological age so here I listed some other important factors that bolster a youthful mind and body.
1. Extend your flexibility
2. If your skin is older, remove dead skin cells from your face by putting a lotion containing alpha-hydroxy [fruit acids] on your face at night.
3. [Men] Trim nose and ear hair, trim eyebrows, a moustache is not a food sieve, trim so your lips are visible.
4. Quit smoking.
5. Eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, have a multi- vitamin a day [build a healthy body] and drink eight glasses of water a day [to flush soluble waste from your body and evacuate your solid waste at a regular time each day]
6. Life weights; you lose muscle as you age and look less firm and trim. Exercise to maintain your cardiovascular fitness.
7. Have enthusiasm and a zest for life, play and have fun. Give to your partner, make love, have friends, take care of your family.
8. Stand straight, pay attention to your posture
9. Smile. Be pleasant to others. Frowns and grimaces are aging.
10. Get a regular physical and take care of your health.
11. Be productive
12. Use good manners always
Additional Resources:
Norrine Grelish sent me some good quality skincare products including a dermabrasion cream with a small electric brush that sweeps away tiny lines, leaving a smooth silky feel to the skin of your face. To check out her products go to www.beautipage.com/norrine_s
In the basement of the Japantown garage there is a superb car cleaning service at reasonable rates. I parked there for the Fillmore Jazz Festival and returned to a shiny clean vehicle. If you are in the neighborhood and want a good Japanese lunch while your car is transformed from messy to clean: try this service.
Advocare sells good quality health products. If you would like to read the information click on the link below and use this log-in number: 04034584. If you want to join the organization use the contact information on my web site.
My friend Lori Harvey is available to help you with real estate at LHarvey@FHAllen.com. She is an efficient, pleasant and knowledgable Realtor with great references and an great track record.
Want to have photos and old 16mm films archived on CDs. Contact Ben@Hess-solutions.com. This is his new venture I have seen his work and he is getting great results plus his productions are reasonably priced.
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Copyright Sylvia Mills, PhD, March, 2004. All Rights reserved.
Sylvia is a Professional Member of the National Speakers Association and a Psychologist.
She is available for consultations, presentations and psychotherapy.
Mailing address: 870 Market Street, Suite 1220, San Francisco, Ca 94102. E-mail address: Sylvia@SylviaMills.com
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