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Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
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In This Issue:
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Welcome to the September 2004 Issue of Dr. Sylvia's Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
Welcome to the September issue of this e-zine. As usual, I have included a variety of articles about different ways you can improve the quality of your lives, love and relationships. Remember, I am always interested in your feedback which you can email to me at SylviaMills.com
During the Labor Day weekend, I was in Maui attending the largest writers’ conference in the world as I am in the process of polishing a suspense novel. I also have a strong interest in the ways people recover from divorce. If you have a divorce “war story” or an insight you would like to share with me on the topic of your divorce: either what prompted it, how your separation was conducted or any valuable lessons you learned as a result of going through this often painful and/or miserable process, I would appreciate your input.
Any stories or incidents that I choose to include in my book will have all identifying data changed to protect your confidentiality. You can write your story or you email me your telephone with some good times when I might call you for a telephone interview. If you are not divorced but know someone who is, please pass on this request with my thanks.
I hope you enjoy the e-zine. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have a request for an article on a particular topic. Finally, if you wish to forward this edition to someone, click on the forward icon at the end of the e-zine and enter their email address, or just press forward on your email server. The list of readers is still growing!
Weight Gain is Easy and the Eating Season Is Ahead.
Summer is over. What happened to all the extra exercise we were going to do while the good weather lasted? Did you do it? Are you now fit and healthy or in the same physical condition as you were in before summer started?
In a few weeks, Halloween candy will be everywhere, free to take and most of it sugar, starch and chemical coloring. Four weeks later is the feed fest of Thanksgiving and four weeks after that the Christmas splurge of excess food, chocolates and drink.
If you don’t want to put on weight [again] you can try the following suggestions:
Don’t take that first piece of candy: that first taste of sugar starts off the craving for more and for sugarholics that means you will eat more, if not that day, then the next.
Don’t buy candy to give Halloween visitors, buy stickers, markers, pens, erasers, small toys – anything but not candy: then you won’t be tempted to eat what you fail to give away.
Do buy plenty of fruit and vegetables and drink plenty of water. Thirst sometimes masquerades as hunger and you don’t want to eat simply to obtain moisture.
Avoid handouts of food at the office or at shopping malls. Resist eating outside of mealtimes except for a small snack of non-sugar, non-junk food, mid morning and mid afternoon.
Keep exercising even if the weather is cold, wet or snowy. Walk briskly, use stairs not elevators, lift weights. Burning calories maintains an active metabolism and promotes health.
Do not eat larger portions of food just because you can.
If you drink, drink moderately and not on an empty stomach.
Keep food out of sight unless it is actually being served for a meal.
It is so much easier to prevent weight gain than to eliminate it. The larger you get, the more food you need to maintain your increased size. Ignore food cravings and stick with your regular meals. If you want to resist weight gain stick with plenty of vegetables, salads and enjoy fresh fruits for dessert.
Five Qualities of a Satisfying Life: CURIOUSITY
Anyone will tell you curiosity killed the cat but that’s not true, it’s a lack of curiosity that kills you. Neuronal stimulation is brain food and if your brain isn’t growing it’s shrinking. There is even evidence to show that continued learning offsets the likelihood that you will develop dementia as you age.
Without curiosity your brain vegetates on what it already knows. If your life stays the same, habitual activities becoming more entrenched and routine ultimately leads to sameness and a lack of stimulation. Your brain doesn’t need to build new neural connections to deal with new knowledge and/or experiences.
Routines are functional. Routines are time efficient. A lot of our lives are governed by automatic functioning. Who wants to invent a new way to shower or a shave, or a new way to heat water? “I don’t think I’ll use the microwave or stove this morning to make my coffee, I think I’ll hunt up some wood and build a fire.” No, we don’t need that kind of break from routine [although I may have used an example that makes some of you long to go camping]. The point is: all routine and no learning makes Jack a dull boy. We need stimulation and curiosity is the drive that makes us want to expand our worlds of experience and knowledge.
Curiosity is the drive to learn new ideas, and experience novel surroundings. Active thinking is the fruit of a curious mind. Curiosity creates new neuronal links in your brain. Curiosity fires new circuits and integrates the new with the old circuits. [Curiosity is not the same as nosiness. Nosiness is trying to satisfy your curiosity about someone’s personal affairs without asking their permission. Nosiness is not okay].
If you don’t feel curious about anything or have any desire to learn new ideas, your brain accommodates and you will feel down, lethargic, dull, and/or bored. The absence of curiosity and a desire to learn is often a symptom of depression.
Encourage your curiosity. Read a non-fiction book a month, travel to new places, meet new people or tackle new tasks. Find one thing you know nothing about and learn something new. Whatever it is, satisfying your curiosity is a healthy feed for the neurons of your mind and it helps you feel mentally active and fresh.
I experienced some curiosity last week. In the recent past, three people I know have been diagnosed with melanoma so I decided I would go to a dermatologist for a skin check. While I was there, I asked for some information about filling in a few lines on my face. The dermatologist said three different fillers were available and one was made from human collagen. Being curious, I asked where the human collagen came from, imagining she would say cadavers. But I was wrong. She said it was derived from newborns foreskins. So much for curiosity …
Does Psychotherapy Work?
Yes it does. Consumer Reports surveyed 3,000 people who had sought treatment for depression and anxiety. They found that most of the 3,000 gained relief from their symptoms. An analysis of the results produced the following findings:
A combination of talk and drug therapy often worked best.
“Mostly talk” therapy was almost as effective, if the treatment lasted 13 sessions or more.
Medication often had a quick impact on symptoms but that many experienced unacceptable side effects. Forty per cent complained of unacceptable sexual side effects.
Care from a primary care physician was effective for people with mild problems but less effective for serious problems.
Last but not least, health plan restrictions, such as limits on therapy visits and costs kept some people from getting the best treatment.
This last factor is an important one. For instance, if you go to a clinic for treatment you may be treated by an intern. Interns have supervision from licensed professionals but if your problem is serious or complex, treatment by an intern may take longer &/or be less effective than if you worked directly with an experienced licensed professional.
Sometimes inexpert treatment can exacerbate symptoms. For instance: in the treatment of post traumatic stress disorder, there is a danger of retraumatization if a therapist asks the person to talk about their trauma without using any effective intervention to treat their condition. The same is true of depression and anxiety disorders: without a clear treatment strategy and sufficient therapeutic expertise, you may be muddling along from week to week.
Therapy from an intern is a trade-off: you obtain treatment at a reduced cost from someone learning their profession. You have choices. You can spend your money on restaurants, the latest fashion or you can buy quality therapy by choosing the therapist you want to work with and paying their fee.
Practice Makes Perfect
Those of you, who have worked with me on improving your assertion skills and self esteem, know the value of rehearsing when you have something important to communicate. Rehearsal helps you to be clear, direct and straightforward. Rehearsal also forces you to think about how the person or audience you are communicating to might respond. Rehearsal helps you stay on track and it reduces the likelihood you will be “pulled off on a tangent.”
So how do you rehearse by yourself? You use a tape recorder or you can telephone a message to your own answering machine, then you listen to your recording to hear how you really sound. When we speak, we hear our voice through the bones of our head. This isn’t the way other people hear us, so if you want to know what the listening person hears, you have to listen to a recording of yourself.
Once you have heard yourself on a recording, you can go about correcting your tone of voice, your words &/or your attitude plus you get to do this before anyone else hears you. Rehearsal may not mend your communication problems but it helps you become aware of how you come across to others and what you need to work on.
When you want to talk about something important, I think it is important to eliminate long preambles. Long preambles tend to cloud communication and make points harder for the listener to distinguish. Being simple and direct is a more effective way to communicate your message.
Whenever I present a talk to a corporation, I always rehearse so that when I stand up to speak, I know what I am going to say, how I am going to say it and how it will sound to the audience. I practice aloud to make sure that that my points flow one from the other and that all unnecessary verbiage is eliminated.
The next time you have an important presentation to make; an important issue to discuss; or a problem you want to resolve; practice your delivery then listen to your presentation. You might be surprised to find that you get stuck for words; that your points sound confused; or that you are sound very emotional.
Remember, practice, practice, practice and you will become a more effective communicator, whenever you have something important to say.
Discussion or Argument?
A discussion is when two people communicate similar or different points of view in a manner that does not demand that either one of them submit to the other person. There is usually a recognition that by discussing their differing ideas they hope to persuade or explain the merits of their point of view. The outcome may be a deeper appreciation of the similarities and/or differences between the participants of the discussion.
Arguments are different. Arguments are about establishing a winner and a loser: someone who prevails and someone who submits. This is why arguments are damaging: the winning and losing often affects the interpersonal relationship of the people arguing. You can only be a loser so many times before it affects the way you feel about the person who prevails. Let’s say one partner dominates and the other partner loses. You think the losing partner will feel as friendly or loving towards the partner who “beats” them? You think the loser will respect the partner who takes precedence and enforces their point of view.
Partners who are able to discuss differences in opinion and acknowledge the other person’s right to hold a different opinion maintain interpersonal respect. Partners who discuss [versus argue] negotiate differences, take turns, share or compromise so that both have the opportunity to lead as well as to follow. When ideas about social activities are different, they trade time: I’ll do this with you and I’d like you to do that with me. They can discuss money constructively and find ways to agree on strategies like putting money in a joint account, budgeting for fixed expenses, savings and holiday funds and having equal allowances. If one chooses to spend their allowance on five Z items they do; if the other wants one Q item, that’s their choice. Having an individual allowance is a kind of ‘mind your own business’ approach that eliminates arguments about personal spending.
Remember: arguments are not respectful of the other person’s right to hold a different point of view and without respect relationships do not flourish.
If you need help learning how to discuss important relationship issues without your discussion deteriorating into an argument, psychotherapy and coaching can be really helpful.
Nutrition for Fall.
How often do you eat new foods or, foods you know, in different combinations or in new recipes? When I go to a new place I love to try the local foods. When I lived in Hong Kong I ate many foods I have never seen before and, here in California, I still find foods that are new to me.
Squashes were one of the foods that were new to me when I came here in 1981. At this time of year, squashes in many different shapes and colors are in season. Most of them need an hour or more to bake to bring out their full flavor but this time can be shortened by using a microwave to start the cooking process. Still, many people don’t buy squashes even though they are nutritious, flavorful and make a colorful change to rice, pasta and potatoes.
To prepare squash, you cut them in half, scoop out the seeds, add a quarter cup of water and wrap the halves in foil so that they bake in their own steam. You can add a little flavored oil and pepper. There’s no need for added salt or butter during cooking. After cooking, scoop out the flesh and cream it with a little butter or olive oil [there is salt in the flesh of the squash]. You can sprinkle squash with cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, other herbs or gravy if you wish. Once cooked, it will keep in the refrigerator for a few days and can be reheated in the microwave or shaped into patties and heated in a pan.
Have you Registered to Vote?
If you are new to the area or haven’t voted before, remember a democracy is only as good as the participant voters. We can only speculate what would have happened in the Presidential election four years ago, if all the people eligible to vote had cast their ballot. If you know someone who isn’t registered, help them to register. If someone needs a ride on the day take them to the polls.
Here in California, many democrats may think the victory of their party is a shoo-in, Texans may think republicans can’t lose in their state. These confident people may think it is unnecessary to vote but, when voters become complacent and consider their vote unimportant, an active opposition can gain power. Our last Presidential election was closely fought. This election is also being closely fought. Your vote could be that critical swing vote.
There are 35 days left until the election. In most states, before you can vote you need to register. Registration deadlines cannot be more than 30 days before Election Day. In seven states- Idaho, Maine, Minnesota, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Wisconsin, and Wyoming - you can vote without registering before Election Day (in these states, you can register on Election Day). For more information on registration deadlines in your state, and to find out how to register go to the League of Women Voters web site at www.lwv.org/voter/register.cfm. [Men can also use this site].
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Copyright Sylvia Mills, PhD, March, 2004. All Rights reserved.
Sylvia is a Professional Member of the National Speakers Association and Psychologist. She is available for consultations, presentations and psychotherapy. Mailing address: 870 Market Street, Suite 1220, San Francisco, Ca 94102. E-mail address: Sylvia@SylviaMills.com
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