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Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
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In This Issue:
Featured Links:
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Welcome to Dr. Sylvia's Resources for Life, Love and Relationships.
This is the start of the holiday season with Halloween upon us and then a three week run to Thanksgiving followed four weeks later by Christmas with Hannukah in between and Kwanza afterwards.
Giving gifts can feel like an obligation that pulls us into spending more money than we can really afford. Friends and family who care about us, don't want us to be in debt. If you are low of funds, then say so. Many gifts don't cost a penny. Most people I know would love a card that gave:
Three hours of gardening; or
Two hours garage clearing; or
Detailing the interior of your car; or
One hour of window cleaning a month for a year; or
Your company and tickets to a movie;or
Babysitting/childcare for X number of hours; or
Three hours help doing X, Y or Z ...
Conveying your love, your appreciation and how much you value your relationship with your family or friend is the greatest gift you can give, the purchased gift is an extra.
I hope you enjoy this month's edition and forward it to friends who might also enjoy it. Remember, this is an opt-in system and your address is always totally private.
Flu Prevention Tips
The flu can be serious. Millions died in the 1926 flu epidemic including one of my grandfathers.
Good manners dictate we cover our mouth if we cough or sneeze which is the most efficient way of transferring massive amounts of our viruses and germs onto our hands. Likewise it puts us at high risk for ingesting or inhaling whatever germs and viruses are on our hands to our nose and mouth.
Risks of infection come from touching handles on restroom doors and office doors ... any kind of doors! We pick up infections from unwashed hands that had the supermarket cart before we did or used the store supplied pen at checkout, from coins or bills we use when we shop. If you travel using your own car, you have a little more control over infection than people crowded into the germ and virus soup of trains, planes, B.A.R.T., or buses.
This is what you can do to reduce your risk or catching flu, colds or gastrointestinal bugs this season …
Wash your hands with soap for at least 30 seconds
Keep your hands away from your eyes, nose and mouth
Don’t use communal pens to sign bills in stores
Buy and use hand sanitizer. Keep some at your work and in your car and use it.
Don’t be shy about wearing a face mask if you have to travel on crowded buses, BART or trains.
Buy some cotton gloves and wear them outside the house to travel and/or shop. They will keep germs off your skin and stop you touching your face as much.
Cough into the crook of your arm rather than into your hand - this keeps your head and any spray in a downward direction away from other people's faces.
Buy some saline nasal spray - it's a couple of dollars and is great for sniffing up your nose to give it a wash out if you have a cold or have been around someone you think is infectious.
Likewise, disinfect your throat, gargle with mouthwash then swallow a teaspoonful of honey which has disinfectant properties. This is especially helpful for treating a beginning sore throat.
Help: for if you become ill:
Stock up on clear soups. If you become ill, you may have a high temperature, headaches and chills and not feel like eating. You must stay hydrated but may not feel thirsty. You must keep your fluid levels high enough that you need to urinate every two or three hours while you are awake. Drinking lots of hot water, tea or clear soup are good ways to fight dehydration.
Remember, a high temperature means more fluid loss. Even with a fever, your body is still regulating your temperature and it does this by perspiration which brings your temperature down. If you have the chills, you still need fluids and you need to keep warm. A terrible headache can be a sign of dehydration so keep drinking fluids.
If you are the only one in your family who is sick, remember to disinfect door handles to the bathroom, or whatever else you touch. Sleep alone; don’t give it your spouse. Wear a mask outside of your bedroom. Put plenty of blankets on your bed to keep warm and open the window to change out the air.
Flu leaves you feeling weak and “down.” You will recover. Don’t go back to work until you are back to eating solid food and feel your energy is back. Flu is not a “little” illness, it is serious and it may easily take three weeks before you feel well again. Flu can kill old people and babies and while not life threatening for healthy children and adults, it is worth taking a care not to catch it and if you get it, not to spread it around.
Five Qualities of Happiness: HOPE
Dogs were put in cages without escape, a light dimmed and then they were shocked, after a frantic search for escape, they gave up, lost hope, lay down and endured the miserable situation until the shock ended. Dogs in cages where they could jump a barrier to escape shock, also searched frantically, and discovered that by jumping a barrier they could escape the noxious shock situation.
A light dimmed prior to all subsequent shocks. The dogs with no escape learned they were helpless to change their situation so they gave up and endured, the dogs who had found an escape learned to be proactive and not to give up.
In the second stage of this experiment into learned helplessness, they allowed both escape and non-escape dogs a way out of their cages. When the warning light dimmed, the proactive dogs searched and found the new way out of the shock situation. The dogs with no hope, even though escape was there in front of them, had learned from past experience they were ineffective, so they didn’t bother trying to escape in the new situation. Even though their cage doors were open, they lay down and endured.
Once this attitude of learned helplessness was established, it them 25 to 200 experiences of being pulled out of the cages before the dogs [dared to hope] began to seek escape by themselves.
Think about it, it took handlers actually pulling the dogs from their cages not once but from 25 to 200 times, to undo the effects of their earlier learned helplessness diminished. HOPE is an essential element for effectively seeking positive ways to live our lives and the kind of hope we call FAITH will maintain an attitude of hope even through desperate times when all rational attempts to escape have been exhausted.
A year or more ago, a teenage girl was abducted in Utah and months later was found living in a camp site with the couple who had abducted her. People didn’t understand why she did not make attempts to escape when she could have just walked away from them. At first, she had been “caged” and unable to escape. She learned she was helpless. Later when she was free to escape she made no attempt to leave and behaved as if she was still “caged.” If you understand learned helplessness, you know the dynamic: you feel there is nothing you can do, so why do anything, better endure as best you can and hope that one day the nasty situation will end. She was also told her family would suffer if she ran away from her abductors.
People ask questions about domestic violence victims. Why didn’t this or that woman leave her abusive husband? When an abuser tells you over and over, he will find you and kill you, or take your children from you, if you leave, and you believe from his past violent behavior he means this threat, then the easier option is to stay and endure. If the woman has learned through repeated beatings that if she does not put him first another beating will follow, and there is no escape, then she becomes anxious to be “nice” to the abuser to prevent further injury. Women stay because they feel helpless and also because they become depressed and lose hope.
Value the power of hope. Hope leads to survival, innovation, effort and motivation. Without hope, life is endurance. Faith is a belief in hope.
Send a letter of thanks
Who haven't you thanked for a long time. Thanksgiving is approaching and the next e-zine will be too late to say this but Thanks are important.
You can write on a postcard or a letter, a fancy card or a plain one but if you can write a note of a few words in your handwriting [that's right - email or typing is one step less personal] then you will create an increase in warmth in your personal, work or customer relationships.
Write at least FIVE to five different people. If you can't hink of five, then you need some psychotherapy to assist you in creating better interpersonal and business relationships!
Seasonal Music
Music is a heritage. It has provided celebratory sounds to thousands of occasions that mark our social and emotional lives. Coronations, funerals, marriages, parties, weddings, coming of age celebrations, romancing, courtship: music provides mood and background, rhythm and shared experience.
One type of music is song. When we sing songs we combine words from the left hemisphere of our brain with melody from the right side of our brain and melody itself engenders harmony in our brain waves. Religious music and hymns are one of the oldest forms of learning through song. Nursery rhymes and lullabies are sung to babies and young children.
A friend of mine, Bren Norris, who is a professional musician, has created enjoyable songs for children that also teach. If you click on the link to her website at the end of this article, www.teachmemuzic.com, you can hear some of the ones from her recent CD that just received an HONORS award from NAPPA which is related to parenthood magazine. (National Parents publications awards) http://nappa.parenthood.com/
Have music playing in your home. Remember music aids brain harmony, it promotes good mood and relaxation: enjoy.
Marin Abused Women's Services
As a member of Marin Sunrise Rotary, my project this year is to help the women and children resident in Marin Abused Women’s Services. Some of these women escaped to safety wearing only the clothes they and their children had on them. Often they leave in fear of their lives and often after severe abuse has sapped their emotional resources for months if not years.
If you have toiletries or clothing that are new and which you have no intention of ever using, or children’s clothes or toys in really good condition, these women and their children benefit from your generosity if you will donate them. Your donations can be mailed to my office address at the end of the newsletter or delivered to my office by arrangement. I will be responsible for delivering them on your behalf. If you include a note of encouragement either based on your own experience of surviving abuse or just because you care, this will be appreciated. The women have very little and support means a lot to them.
None of us can know ahead of time, what life holds and someday we may be in need of help ourselves. Perhaps, I am superstitious, but I believe that what goes around comes around, although not necessarily from the same direction. Thanksgiving and Christmas both celebrate the power and positive results of hope, faith and appreciation. Please help me to help these women improve their lives.
Thank you.
Complaints, Complaints …
Sometimes, life seems awful. Everything in your life goes wrong or worse. Your internal critic has a field day telling you it’s all your fault because you are a failure and always will be; you are unlovable, unlikable and unattractive and, no matter how hard you try, nothing will ever change. This voice is correct, IF you believe it. However, you can learn to tell this voice to, “Shut up.” You can learn to take action, make changes and improve your life.
Every time you THINK yourself hopeless, you give up on yourself and BECOME hopeless. When you believe yourself incapable of success, you program yourself not to try as hard. For example: Why diet and exercise if you think you’ll never lose weight? Why study hard if you think you’ll fail? Why bother trying something new when you don’t know if you’ll like it?
When we think negatively, we impose restrictions on ourselves which cause us to lose out on opportunities in life. Open up. Try something new. What if you fail at first? What if you have to try over and over, before you make progress. Think of the training skills you have acquired over the years: learning to walk took months, learning multiplication tables took a while and learning vocabulary takes years. You were probably learning in school until you were 18 years old and may have continued in college after that.
Listen to yourself. Hear yourself talk. Notice when you sound negative. If you find yourself complaining about what’s wrong with your life, remember to ask yourself: So What Am I Going To Do About It? Why? Because if you do nothing; nothing changes.
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Copyright Sylvia Mills, PhD, March, 2004. All Rights reserved.
Sylvia is a Professional Member of the National Speakers Association and Psychologist. She is available for consultations, presentations and psychotherapy. Mailing address: 870 Market Street, Suite 1220, San Francisco, Ca 94102. E-mail address: Sylvia@SylviaMills.com
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