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Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
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In This Issue:
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Welcome to the November Issue of Resources for your Life, Love and Relationships.
Welcome to the November issue of Dr. Sylvia’s Resources. Ahead are five weeks of hectic holiday pressure on time, relationships, loyalties, resources and finances. It is a testing time and each year we find out how well we can get along with difficult family members and/or in-laws. I hope you have a good time but, if you have misgivings about how you will cope, then perhaps the following ideas will come in handy:
On Debt and Gifts
If you are in debt: resist the urge to impress family or friends with expensive gifts you can’t afford. Some of the best gifts are free. They are gifts of time which do not take dollars to provide: an offer of 3 hours of childcare [once, once of month, once a week or once a day], an offer to clean the garage or an untidy closet, three hours of weeding or a willingness to organize a barbecue for your partner or a friend. These are wonderful gifts plus they cement relationships by creating times to bond and give and receive appreciation.
Cards with real value
Purchased cards are attractive but the real value of a card is in the sentiment it expresses. Isn’t that why it takes a while to choose just the right one? If you don’t have time to shop the value of your communication is no less if you express the thoughts yourself. Write what you want to say. Giving someone a handwritten note is giving a piece of yourself, and when you receive something handwritten, think of this as a living sample of who that person is and enjoy.
Divorce and Family Loyalties
If you’re divorced, your extended family and/or children may visit with both you and your ex. Keep it clean: resist gossiping about your Ex. If it is one thing that will alienate your children, it is talking negatively about your ex even if what you say is true. Remember, family loyalties run deep. If you are in a new relationship, it may not be appropriate to mix your new relationship with old ones. I have worked with children in their twenties and thirties who still have a hard time accepting that their divorced parent has a new partner. Imagine what it must be like for teenagers and grade school kids to manage such shifts. Very young children may be the most adaptable but for older offspring assume family loyalties are operating and be diplomatic, don’t be in a rush to introduce new relationships. Don’t expect too much too soon and keep introductions to non-holiday low key times for less possibility of problems.
Time Pressure
If you feel pressured for time, delegate. That means you ASK others in your family to set the table, wash the dishes or peel vegetables. No-one wants a martyr in the family at holiday times because they are no fun.
If you find any of the articles or ideas interesting, remember you can forward this e-zine to other people you know. And Remember: when someone new signs up, their email address is confidential which means it is not, and will not, be shared or sold.
Thanks - Giving
Until this last weekend, I thought Thanksgiving celebrated the Pilgrims’ successful arrival in America. I learned this last weekend that it celebrates the Pilgrims’ tradition of giving thanks for their harvest. Harvest festivals are ancient rituals derived from pagan times when the Gods were thanked for the bounty of the woods and fields. Each year, a portion of the harvest was offered to the deities in recognition of their largesse and in the hope that these offerings would convince the Gods to provide for them the following year. Nowadays, people take fruits and vegetables to churches. Their offerings are then blessed and distributed to people in need. Other charities like the Food Bank dispense with religious blessings nevertheless, your donation becomes a blessing to the people who benefit.
My first Thanksgiving in this country was at fellow psychologist’s home. On each plate he had placed five grains of rice and for each grain, each guest expressed their thanks for something they had experienced during the previous year. I remember this experience was poignant, moving and humbling as I listened to all the various ways in which people’s lives had been touched by the actions of others and heard them express their gratitude. I don’t remember hearing about the acquisition of things and possessions, but I do remember people appreciating acts of kindness they had experienced. Others valued support they had received that had been meaningful in difficult times; and caring by cherished partners and friends was mentioned a lot.
On this Thanksgiving, who can you appreciate? Who can you thank? Who have you overlooked because you have been too busy or too pressured for time? They may not be at your Thanksgiving dinner but you can still form an intention of thanks and communicate your appreciation over the next few days. Remember, email is fine however, a handwritten note or a personal call is worth ten emails. You don’t have to buy cards, a piece of paper and an envelope works wonders. Let those people who you appreciate know that you are appreciative of their caring.
Last but not least, think of someone you have to deal with who you don't particularly care for and find something you can appreciate about them. Take a chance and tell that person what you like and see if that doesn't ease your future interactions.
We all like our good acts to be recognized and to know that something we have done has made a difference. So enjoy your Thanksgiving by giving thanks and growing the best of relationships with the people you know and value.
Holiday Flavors
If you watch television you see lots of ideas about how to make your food interesting to look at and flavorful this holiday season but why stop with the holidays. Jot down tasty ideas and use them in during the other cold months of the year.
check out the specials at your local restaurants. Good restaurants have a way of describing food in mouthwatering ways. There is no rule that says you can't take notes. That's how I learned dried cranberries and walnuts or, pine nuts and feta cheese add great flavor and color to salads.
Remember, it is often simple ideas that make food tastier. For instance, tossing a few cranberries in with the mashed potatoes or the mashed yams or toasting pinenuts and adding those as toppings when you serve dishes of vegetables.
Remember we see with our eyes. It may taste wonderful but if food is thrown onto plates in a messy way it won't look half as appetizing as if you place the food attractively and maybe add a little decoration in the form of celery leaves, cilantro, watercress, sliced tomatoes or sweet peppers [for color].
A pretty table setting also adds to the appetite and anticipation. Next time you are in the check out line at your supermarket scan the holiday editions of magazines and you will see plenty of photos of table settings. Copy the ideas you want without spending more than you can afford.
The Five Qualities of a Satisfied Life: LOVE
Of the five character traits that identify people who are happy and satisfied with their lives, love is one of the best and worst understood of them all. It is best understood as a feeling of romance and positive attachment to family, friends, causes and hobbies as in ‘I love my partner, my children, work, pets, or hobby,’ and least understood as a necessary bedrock that supports a healthy sense of self.
Unhappy people frequently have trouble with the maintenance of self-care. Self-care is different to self-indulgence. I say this because sometimes the two get confused. The person who indulges on food, drugs, spending or wilfulness when they know the outcome will be negative is poor at self-care. Self-care is being able to say ‘no’ to actions or behaviors that cause damage to health or well-being, as well as the ability to say ‘yes’ to actions or behaviors that enhance health and well-being.
Think about someone with panic disorder. They have to persist in overcoming the urge to avoid feared situations and tackle their fears head-on. Think how someone depressed has to force him/herself out of lethargy and into action to overcome their inertia. Think about a person disappointed in love. Deciding to enter a new relationship means this person is potentially vulnerable to be disappointment again. Selfcare isn't always easy. Self-care means taking risks and fighting fears but it creates a better world, not only for the person making positive choices, but also for the people who are around them.
Love as ‘caring for self’ is being “selfish” in a good sense, I would even call it a prerequisite for keeping yourself in good shape mentally, physically and emotionally. When you take good care of yourself, you are also in good shape to take care of others in relationship with you.
‘Selfishness’ in the form of self-care is different to being egotistical or narcissistic. Egotistical people have an inflated feeling that they are entitled to take precedence over others instead of understanding that they need to take their turn like everyone else; or they feel entitled to take more than their fair share of whatever resources are available even if it means someone else loses out.
The term selfish is used as an insult. If you are ever called ‘selfish:’ test the situation out: ask yourself:
Am I trying to take more than my fair share?
Am I taking more than I am entitled to?
AND, If I don’t take my fair share, who gets my share?
When you ask these questions it is interesting to see how many times you realize the person accusing you of selfishness often finishes up with more than their fair share by virtue of guilt tripping you into taking less than your fair share.
I hope this short article encourages you to think that caring for yourself is as essential as caring for others. Self-care and love are important ingredients of self-esteem and self-respect. Self-care qualifies you to be treated well, considered, respected and liked for your good qualities.
The holiday season is coming up. There will be lots of extra chores as well as additional demands on your money. Take care of yourself by delegating chores and by spending wisely. Take care of yourself by never driving while over the limit. Take care of yourself by not overeating to the point where you gain more than a small amount like a pound or two.
To summarize: not only is it wise to treat others as we would wish to be treated, I would add its corollary which is: that you give yourself with the same care and consideration that you give to others and enjoy a very happy Thanksgiving holiday and Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza Season.
Can't Sleep?
If you have trouble falling asleep or sleeping through the night until morning you are one of many. But did you know that one of the worst things you can do is worry about not sleeping. Worrying if you will go to sleep is almost guaranteed to keep you awake.
Here are some useful ideas you can try if disturbed sleep is a problem for you.
First: eliminate coffee or other caffeinated beverages. Caffeine is a stimulant that keeps your metabolism in high gear. Allergens can also act as stimulants some are found in foods such as shrimp, crab and lobster. Other stimulants include medicines like Benadryl; or recreational drugs such as cocaine, crack, methamphetamines and ecstacy. All the above and anything else that acts as a stimulant should be eliminated in the hours before sleep. If your pulse is higher than normal, forget about sleeping until the allergen or stimulant has worn off. Grab a good book and read until your pulse rate falls to normal.
Exercise is a great way to burn off stress and allow relaxation to occur but the relaxation process takes a couple of hours after you have been working out. Other aids to relaxation include yoga, meditation, massage, pleasant company and easy conversation.
If your thoughts are going a mile a minute or you have a particular worry eating at you, take a notebook to bed and jot down the thoughts. Once thoughts are written down you can tell yourself that you don't need to worry about remembering them.
Tell yourself aloud: 'I will relax and I know I will go to sleep.' Say the message a number of times in a relaxed way. We are trained from birth to do as we are told and follow directions. In this instance you are doing your own directing and telling your body what to do. You need to do this many times for your brain to learn the message.
When you are in bed, read a book. When you read your breathing goes on automatic just like it does when you are asleep. When your breathing is already in sleep mode, you will be nearer to a sleep state and more likely to fall asleep easily.
A couple of foods that act as sleep aids are turkey and hot milk. Both of these contain tryptophan in its natural form. Once it is ingested, the tryptophan is converted to a biochemical in the brain that aids sleep. A couple of ounces of turkey meat or a mug of hot milk may induce sleep to come more quickly.
Sleeping tablets are a mixed blessing. They induce a kind of sleep but it is not as balanced as natural sleep. If you take them, remember they are recommended as a temporary stopgap for insomnia. They do not cure the problem.
If you eventually go to sleep in the wee hours and then cannot get up for work, this is a different problem. The problem is not that you can't sleep but that you have established a habit of sleeping at the wrong section of the 24 hour cycle. One way to correct this is to stay awake one whole night and go to bed early the next night. This usually adjusts a sleep cycle that has slipped too far round the clock. Set your alarm and wake up in time for work. So not oversleep or you will not be tired the next bedtime and the slippage starts to reoccur all over again.
Remember if you really can't sleep, this gives you an opportunity to read a really good book. to cure insomnia though, try reading trade journals or a boring book on taxes, especially if this is the last thing you want to do. Ericsson the famous hypnotist told his client to scrub his kitchen floor every time he did not sleep ... after only a couple of night scrubbing his brain said 'enough of this - I don't want to do this,' and he stayed asleep as a way of avoiding the cleaning.
Last but not least, substitute positive thoughts for worries: reminisce about good memories, anticipate and plan outings or events, remember pleasurable experiences or plan positive things you can do tomorrow. Make pleasureable use of the time as long as you are awake in a way that keeps anxious thoughts out of your mind.
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Copyright Sylvia Mills, PhD, March, 2004. All Rights reserved.
Sylvia is a Professional Member of the National Speakers Association and Psychologist. She is available for consultations, presentations and psychotherapy. Mailing address: 870 Market Street, Suite 1220, San Francisco, Ca 94102. E-mail address: Sylvia@SylviaMills.com
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