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Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
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In This Issue:
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Happy New Year and Welcome to the December Issue of Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
Welcome to the December issue of Dr. Sylvia’s resources for life, love and relationships. During the Christmas season, we all want plenty of life, lots of love and happy relationships but there are temptations that sabotage our dreams if we aren’t careful. Three that come to mind are: one, holding high expectations and punishing anyone who gets in the way of those expectations becoming a reality. The second is failing to recognize that alcohol and other drugs that reduce inhibitions will make your mood more of what it already is. The third is stressing out and ruining your own mood as well as the mood of people around you.
Only a week later we are into the New Year which is the traditional time for renewal. My mother believed that the first visitor to your house brought the fortune to the family for the coming year so to ensure we were never hungry, cold or thirsty my father had to put on his coat leave by the back door and arrive at the front door bearing food, fuel and something drink. He usually had a loaf of bread, a piece of coal and a bottle of milk. Once that was done, my mother felt reassured our fortunes were safe.
Everyone made resolutions. Yes, and we all broke our resolutions because we forgot what they were or were just not motivated enough to continue our intentions of living in an improved way. I was always exhorted to have a tidy toy cupboard. I would tidy it out with the intention that from now on I would put everything in its place every time but my methodology would fail and it would deteriorate into being messy again.
Does the failure of resolution mean there is no point in making the resolution? Not at all. If you keep a resolution even for a day you have begun a process of self-improvement. Following through is a life long task. I am still tidying my cupboards, they stay organized for a while and then gradually deteriorate until I tidy them again. Try laughing at your follies and resolving when you fall short of your intentions but do not give up on yourself.
Make your intentions visible in your life. Last year, I went to a collage party where there were dozens of magazines and a bunch of us cut and pasted words and pictures from those magazines onto a big sheet of card. I still have mine over my computer so I can look up and read some of the things I included in that collage: If anybody wants to keep creating they have to be about change; friends; the adventure of being alive; take time to laugh – it is the music of the soul. I think I have more than 50 interesting reminders on that collage. I want to make another one for this coming year.
Think for a moment what you want out of life for now, for next year and for five years from now. Are you living your life in a way that is consistent with your goals and if not, why not? Remember, you have this day once and it will never come back again so make the most of it and enjoy.
I just heard of a friend of mine who had a bad car accident due to black ice. Be careful driving in bad weather. I remember listening to a report about how much time you save driving 50 miles at the top possible legal speed taking every chance to overtake other cars compared with a more conservative, no-risk driving style. The difference was about 2 minutes. This time saving is not worth your life or the cost of a fender bender.
Hearing about tragedies, and there are plenty surrounding this New Year, makes one vital truth evident: if you fail to get the best out of today or fail to put your best into today, you have lost opportunities to improve your life as well as the lives of those around you.
Make 2005 a wonderful year for yourself, your family and your friends one day at time for the whole year.
Got Photos?
One of my clients had a collection of digital photos on her computer as well as having them copied on a back up system and saved on discs. She had only one problem: a burglar broke into her apartment and stole her computer and her back up drive and the discs she kept by her computer. Everything was taken and she lost a photo collection that she had accumulated over a number of years.
Where are your photos? If you have digital photos, keep a set of discs in a different location. If you have traditional prints keep the negatives in a different location.
Earthquakes and floods, fires and burglaries can rob you of a lifetime of visual memories that you may never be able to recover. So if you have got photos—make sure you keep them safe.
Gratitude, Zest, Curiosity, Hope and Love: Five Qualities for a Happy Life
Each month from July I have written about one of the five qualities that characterize a happy satisfaction with life: Gratitude, Zest, Curiosity, Hope and Love. Think about people you really like and admire, who appear to have it together, chances are they have these qualities. They are appreciative of others, express enthusiasm and are interested in things going on around them, they want to learn and know more, they express optimism and they care about the people around them.
If you aren’t happy, you CAN do something about it. Cultivate and express appreciation every chance you get. Turn off the television and DO something to actively entertain yourself. Don’t have anything interesting to do? Then find a new hobby or interest you can feel some passion for, volunteer, make new friends, tackle a new project or help someone else do theirs. Cultivate an active mind and stimulate your curiosity by reading non-fiction books. Most best seller non-fiction is thought provoking and helps give you ideas to think about. Join a class at night-school this January and learn something you have always wanted to learn. If you feel hopeless, notice when you are talking in negative ways and shift into looking for positives. If you don’t know how to do that click over to my web site for the article on Positive Thinking. This article describes a method to help you change negative thinking habits into positive thinking which will create an atmosphere of hope in your life. And last but not least: love and care for your close family and friends and also care for yourself. Practicing good self-care is the bedrock for a healthy mind and body.
Valuing yourself means incorporating habits that will ensure your health this coming year. Limit behaviors that lead to long term health risks like smoking, binge eating and/or drinking, and recreational drug use. Expand behaviors that promote your health such as exercising, eating fruit and vegetables and having fun in your life by creating joy around you.
Make resolutions. Write them out. Practice them and see your life and attitude to life improve with Gratitude, Zest, Curiosity, Hope and Love: the five qualities for a happy life.
Got the Munchies?
It’s that time of year again, when holiday excessesmay mean you have put on a lot of weight. If you have eaten to excess over Christmas and now don’t seem to be able to curb your eating even though you are heading for obesity, are already obese, or have diabetes or cardiovascular problems, then eating is causing you health problems and you need help.
The following organizations offer social and emotional support as well as education about healthy eating.
Overeaters Anonymous. This group has a web site at www.oa.org
Overeaters Anonymous Bay Area is www.oabayarea.org
Ebony Overeaters Anonymous is a Special Emphasis Overeaters Anonymous Group geared towards African Americans dealing with compulsive overeating and other eating disorders. Their web site is http://ebonyoa.home.att.net
Black/African American support group
Relationship Dynamics
Most relationships start off well then deteriorate, while a few start well and improve. I have thought a lot about what goes into making the difference and it seems to me that when two people meet, they make accommodations to reduce the risk that normal differences between them will not get in the way of having a good time with this new person. Unfortunately, too much tolerance cannot be sustained over time and as accommodations become burdensome, the quality of the relationship deteriorates.
Take smoking for instance, you meet someone who smokes and you don’t. If you object to the smoking early on, the smoker may simply walk away from this new relationship. If you do not want to lose the new person, you may decide to keep quiet about your dislike of smoking. You can guess the outcome: after weeks or months of tolerating the smoking your patience wears thin and you admit your resentment about the smell and taste of the cigarettes. The smoker is now faced with a resentful, nagging person who initially kept quiet instead of speaking up. It’s not the smokers fault that you failed to speak up about something that was important to you. The same goes for other habits or behaviors you dislike. If you do not want to live with someone who has a particular way of doing something or a habit you dislike, remember this issue will not vanish. Speak up before you get attached: do not wait to get attached and then demand changes when you have built up resentment or impatience.
Sometimes we choose people because we feel at home with them very easily. Sometimes this familiarity is deadly. After only two or three dates, Jake felt as if he had known Elly for years. He had. His mother was an alcoholic, his aunt and sister were alcoholics. About six months into the relationship he realized Elly was also an alcoholic. The familiarity he felt initially was based on an unconscious recognition of the familiar characteristics of someone hiding excessive drinking: a characteristic she shared with his addicted relatives.
Relationships also deteriorate because after a while people stop making as much of an effort as they did in the first flush of romance. If your relationship right now needs a boost, then ask yourself how you have changed from your first romantic dates. If you make an effort to be on time on those first dates, do you make the same effort to be on time today or do you routinely keep your partner waiting? If you wore perfume, or after shave, when was the last time you put some on to greet your partner? If you made good dinners with a nicely set table and home cooked food, do you do that now or are you opening cans and/or telling your partner to heat up leftovers?
Relationships are like gardens, it is not enough to make the garden, you also have to maintain it because if you don’t weeds and overgrowth will take over. Appreciation and caring are like fertilizer, communicate how you value your partner. This makes relationships flourish. Make sure you remove weeds while they are small and do no damage. Talk problems through before they become huge issues and always resolve disagreements. Plant new flowers to replace old ones or ones that only survive for one season and cut the grass. Introduce new activities to share with your partner and avoid the same old boring routines before they become draining. You can make your own analogies.
If your relationship is already in trouble, if you make a list of your partners faults, for every fault of his/hers remember you will have an equally objectionable fault from their point of view. Think about what you can do differently in order to stimulate the results you desire. If there is no easy fix, then call me and get some professional help. Life is too short to waste and there is no sense in waiting too long to resolve problems. Make 2005 the year you improve your relationship and build a happier life.
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Copyright Sylvia Mills, PhD, March, 2004. All Rights reserved.
Sylvia is a Professional Member of the National Speakers Association and Psychologist. She is available for consultations, presentations and psychotherapy. Mailing address: 870 Market Street, Suite 1220, San Francisco, Ca 94102. E-mail address: Sylvia@SylviaMills.com
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