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Resources for Life, Love and Relationships
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In This Issue:
Featured Links:
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Welcome to the January 2005 Issue of Resources for your Life, Love and Relationships.
Welcome to the January 2005 Issue of Resources for your Life, Love and Relationships.
The end of January is when resolutions made in good faith at the beginning of the month begin to hit the dust. Intentions are fine but change is hard work. It takes three weeks of constant monitoring to eradicate an ingrained habit and establish a preferred new way of doing things. Don’t be discouraged if your decision to exercise, to quit eating cheesecake, or to tally your spending is already trailing into disorganization. It’s a normal deterioration.
If losing weight was easy, we would all be slim. If taking good care of your spending was easy the credit card industry would be out of business. If desirable behavior was easy, there would be no quarrels and dissention. The fact is some behaviors are very hard to change. So hard, we give up on ourselves, become resigned, feel hopeless and quit trying.
The answer is to renew your intentions again and again and not to allow discouragement to deter your efforts. Go back to your New Year intentions and make a collage or a chart of what you want for the year then put it where you can see it as a visual reminder.
Aaron Parnell, a chiropractor friend of mine, puts on a collage party every year. His friends gather with glue, magazines, a large card and scissors. They cut and paste words and pictures into a composite picture of what they want in their lives in the coming year. My 2004 collage hung on the wall above my computer all year reminding me of what I want in my life. Now I have up the 2005 version to prompt me to remember my larger goals for this year.
Try this for yourself. Gather a few old magazines and find phrases and words or pictures that appeal to you. You may be surprised by what appeals to you and pleased with what you create.
Remember change takes day to day monitoring. Old habits have a way of sneaking back into your life if you don’t watch out!
Overspent these holidays?
I recently watched a program on PBS called The Secret Life of Credit Cards. On this program a focus group was interviewed. Surprisingly most members of this group agreed that even though they had money in the bank, they preferred to keep the money they had in the bank in case of a financial emergency rather than use it to pay down their credit card debt.
One woman said she paid the minimum on her credit card accounts and left her savings in the bank so if something happened to her job she wouldn’t have to live off her credit. What is amazing is that she was spending over 14% interest in addition to her debt while her money in the bank earned under 2%. She paid interest on her debt of over $100 a month in spite of the fact that it cost only a $75 fee to transfer cash from her credit card to her account should she actually need money for an emergency. If she paid off the card with her savings and then continued to pay the monthly total as it was billed to her she would have an emergency fund via her credit card since most cards will pay you 50% of your total credit limit as a cash option.
If you want financial solvency, pay down your credit card debt AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. In the long run, you will be able to save more for a rainy day instead of paying interest on outstanding credit card balances. The minimum payment asked is usually 2% of your balance or a minimum of $10. At about 14% interest, a balance of $10,000 takes 10 years to pay down plus you’ll pay an additional $3000 interest. If you carry a balance and you buy an item for $100 that’s like paying $25 extra.
Pay off your cards and that extra $25 can be added to real savings for your rainy day. Pay down debt as fast as you can. If you have more than one credit card, pay the maximum dollars off the highest interest rate bill and the minimum off the others until you can clear the debt or transfer it to a lower interest card. One client I had always paid an equal amount off each of three accounts even though the interest rates varied from 4.6% to 18.95%.
Remember: Don’t spend on non-essentials until your debt has gone otherwise everything you buy can end up costing 125% of the price you pay in the store. Go through your closet: wear clothes you forgot you had; eat up food from your freezer and pantry, stay out of restaurants and theaters, watch DVDs or TV and borrow public library books for free and have a financially happier year this year.
Got the Winter Blues?
Mood is affected by many factors. Dysphoria or the blues are not always linked to negative life circumstances or personality problems. Sometimes feeling the blues is the outcome of less exposure to natural sunlight because of the winter’s shorter days and because we may stay indoors to avoid bad weather yet many of us never think of this factor.
If you feel that your mood is blue, consider going for more walks outside when the sun is shining. If you work in artificial light all day, don’t wait for your employer to do something, buy yourself one of those special full spectrum lights that mimic daylight. If you sit in this light for 30 minutes a day, you can offset the deterioration caused by a lack of natural sunlight.
Getting more sunlight in winter is not the only way to offset low mood. Exercise, anti-depressants, good relationships, variety and good nutrition will also boost your mood but if you have been feeling blue for no cause, consider if a lack of natural light could be a factor affecting you. It’s easy to buy a full spectrum light and use it.
Assessing Your Alcohol Use
Wine, beer and spirits can be enjoyable additions to eating meals, entertainment and relaxation. Social entertaining frequently increases during Christmas and New Year but if you are now still drinking more than you did, beware! If you are drinking on a daily basis and/or drinking heavily, you may be in danger of alcohol addiction. If you have relatives who are alcoholics, your risk of addiction increases as there is a genetic component to this disorder.
What is a drink? It is the amount of alcohol in a single beer, a single measured tot of spirits or in five ounces of wine [there are six glasses to a bottle]. If you drink wine, pour a bottle of wine into six of your wine glasses then you will know exactly what 5 ounces look like – it doesn’t look like much.
People who drink rarely, or more frequently but only drink small quantities are at low risk for developing an addiction but if you drink two or more drinks daily, you increase your risk. Two or more drinks daily or even drinking larger amounts at less frequent intervals is not necessarily problematic. The real issue to pay attention to is the question of whether alcohol causes problems in your life from lateness getting to work after drinking the night before to embarrassing yourself with unseemly behavior caused by the effects of the alcohol. If alcohol has caused problems in your life, stop and assess your drinking habits. If you are overweight, consider quitting drinking to cut down on your calorie intake, lose some weight and improve your health.
Borderline Alcoholics
Borderline alcoholics have either an increased, or a decreased tolerance for alcohol. In other words, you drink a lot with no obvious drunkenness or you drink a little and get drunk fast. Borderline alcoholics have poor judgment and may decide to drive when they are over the limit, indulge in drugs or unsafe sex and feel guilty and/or bad when they sober up. Borderline alcoholics think about when they can have their next drink and when they get it, it is a relief. Borderline alcoholics often conceal or minimize the amount they are drinking. After drinking heavily, they may find they cannot remember clearly the events that occurred. For instance, the next day, they may not remember who they talked to or what they said. Most of all, they realize drinking is causing problems that they would not have if they quit using alcohol, but since they are addicted they keep drinking anyway.
Early Alcoholics
Early alcoholics have a problem: they are no longer in charge of their drinking: their drinking is basically in charge of them. When they drink they make ill advised decisions, drive over the limit, or say rude or hurtful things. When they are drinking they may be grandiose and loud and think they are the life and soul of the party, they may be to fellow inebriates but are more likely to be thought obnoxious and drunk by sober people.
Early alcoholics often experience remorse and embarrassment the morning after as well as being defensive, irritable and hung-over. Either way, close relationships become strained and deteriorate. Early alcoholics rationalize their drinking but deep down feel guilty because they know they are drinking to excess. They may resolve to stop but soon find reasons and opportunities to drink to excess again.
Middle and Late Stage Alcoholics
Middle stage alcoholics are still in denial that they need to change their life style even though they may need a drink to start their day, alienate family and friends, avoid social activities unless they are centered on drinking and put their jobs and relationships at risk.
Prolonged drinking bouts impair thinking after the alcohol has worn off. Memory is impaired and depression, anger, resentment and mean temperedness predominate. Life becomes unpleasant for people who have to live with someone with a drinking problem.
Remember:
Alcohol acts like a magnifying glass. Whatever your mood or state of mind, when you drink that mood or state or mind is magnified. Mean gets meaner, aggressive becomes rageful, suspiciousness become paranoia, passive becomes inert, friendly becomes gregarious, silly becomes stupid and loud becomes noisy.
When NOT to drink:
When you are lonely, unhappy or depressed
When you are angry, resentful or feel paranoid
When you are hungry or thirsty [you will absorb the alcohol faster]
If you plan to drive a car or other type of vehicle
When you start to crave alcohol it is time to stop and assess your drinking.
Quick and Easy Nutrition
If you want a tasty quick nutritious meal, take two slices of full grain bread [no butter]. Cut up an avocado and a couple of tomatoes, pour over olive oil and balsamic vinegar and add cooked shrimp or prawns.
If you want a more piquant sauce, mix horseradish with the oil and balsamic vinegar.
What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
There are many kinds of psychotherapy and many types of therapists. Therapies vary from Psychoanalysis, which is a lengthy in-depth exploration of your internal world to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT] is a practical, problem focused and solution motivated form of psychotherapy.
Research studies have shown CBT to be an effective treatment for depression, phobias, anxiety and addictions and for understanding and improving relationship based difficulties. CBT is used for sex therapy and anger management as well as increasing frustration tolerance and impulse control.
Take a problem behavior like alcoholism: which would you think is the more effective approach? To focus on achieving insight about the sources of this addiction? Or, to focus on changing the addictive behavior as a first target? Insight into self is incredibly important, but if you do nothing to change your drinking behavior, you become an alcoholic with insight. On the other hand, if you change your addictive behavior, people start to treat you differently and respond to you differently. The improvement in how others treat you is beneficial in aiding recovery and facilitates insight.
All psychotherapies can increase confidence and insight, provide you with a confidential sounding board for your problems and open up new options for thought and action that you may not have considered or taken seriously before. Is every therapy successful? No. You need to feel the therapist you are working with has a positive approach, is genuinely interested in you as a person, is respectful of you and can articulate their treatment plan.
In CBT, the therapist is not a "blank slate:" client and therapist work actively together to address specific problems. You set clear goals about what you want to achieve and learn skills to achieve these goals. You learn to understand how your thinking patterns anad beliefs affect your behavior and how to change the way you think. You learn healthier responses to troublesome situations. You learn how to self soothe, build healthier lifestyle habits and how to overcome negative self-beliefs. CBT also teaches you the mechanisms of fear and panic and how to master these reactions.
Since behaviors are the currency of relationships, cognitive behavioral therapy is an excellent tool for helping couple iron out misunderstandings and difficulties. How we think and how we feel is the stuff of how we relate to others. CBT includes knowledge of the person's history and their trials and tribulations. CBT is often short term: this means one or two therapy sessions a week for a number of weeks or months. For people surviving longer term abuse as children, insight oriented therapy plus cognitive behavioral approaches makes a productive format for teaching the skills necessary to compensate for poor parenting and improving self esteem and self image.
If you think, you have a problem you would like to eliminate; a relationship you would like to improve or a reaction you would like to understand: find a psychologist who has the skills and knowledge to help. Remember, there is no such thing as psychic surgery. Therapy is hard work. Change is difficult. Learning how to manage defensive reactions, handle relationships more effectively, overcome fears and improve your life course is tough so work with someone in whom you have confidence. Especially, if you have problems with depression, anxiety, panic disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder, addiction or phobia, CBT has proven effectiveness in reducing symptoms of these disorders.
Additional Resources:
Advocare sells good quality health products. If you would like to read the information click on the link below and use this log-in number: 04034584. If you want to join the organization use the contact information on my web site.
My friend Lori Harvey is available to help you with real estate at LHarvey@FHAllen.com. She is an efficient, pleasant and knowledgable Realtor with great references and an great track record.
Want to have photos and old 16mm films archived on CDs. Contact Ben@Hess-solutions.com. This is his new venture I have seen his work and he is getting great results plus his productions are reasonably priced.
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Copyright Sylvia Mills, PhD, March, 2004. All Rights reserved.
Sylvia is a Professional Member of the National Speakers Association and Psychologist. She is available for consultations, presentations and psychotherapy. Mailing address: 870 Market Street, Suite 1220, San Francisco, Ca 94102. E-mail address: Sylvia@SylviaMills.com
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