Keys to Success with Family Relationships
by
Sylvia V. Mills, Ph.D.
There are a variety of ways in which family members conflict with
one another and usually the opportunity for that to happen is when
they gather for special occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
So, unfortunately, holidays are when clashes are most likely to
happen. As a child, parents were always so anxious in case their
families did not get along they would end up quarrelling with each
other.
We all deal with conflict and anxiety in different
ways. I may be rebellious, you may want to keep the peace at all
costs, or we may both avoid contact and barely speak to each. If
our family history is fraught with arguments and power plays, we
may carry a mixture of these feelings around for years. When family
get-together's occur, the old feelings are right there ready to
affect the way we think, feel and behave. Most of us want to feel
loved by our families. If we feel unappreciated or bullied, then
we may respond with feelings of loss, disappointment, sadness, anger,
resentment or rejection.
Here are a few ways to make it easier to spend time around your
family members without activating our old defenses.
1. First, focus on the positive qualities of your
family members. In any family there are good times and unhappy times.
You have a choice so choose to talk about the good times and reactivate
feelings of love and respect instead of reviving old hurts.
2. When old hurts are already present, acknowledge
the situation directly and state your intention to improve matters:
try something like this: “I’m sorry you and I have difficulties
with each other. I’d like to try to change that and build
a better relationship with you. What do you say?”
3. Take an interest in other family members. If
you know more about their life from their point of view, you have
a better chance of understanding how they see the world. Think about
any interests you have in common that you can share, or contributions
you can make to make their life easier.
4. Remember, just because you may be ready to build
a better relationship does not mean the other members are. If your
efforts to rebuild a relationship don’t get an immediate,
positive response, maintain your efforts. Anticipate that you will
have to make more than one gesture to convince the other person
you are genuine in your desire to have a better relationship with
them. Mary’s son hadn’t spoken to her for fifteen years.
I suggested it would take a minimum of 25 gestures of good will
over a period of months before she felt disappointed. She sent him
cards at holidays, postcards if she went on a trip and monthly invitations
to lunch or dinner. It took nine months and 17 attempts to heal
the estrangement with her son. Sometimes, you have to persist a
long time to heal deep wounds that go back a long way. Making one
effort that fails then nursing feelings of rejection builds more
animosity. Tell them: “Maybe we need to heal the situation
between us slowly, meanwhile let’s at least treat each other
pleasantly.” If the person is still rejecting, occupy yourself
with a different activity and maintain your pleasant behavior next
time you meet. Don’t carry rejection home with you.
5. Recognize that family members have characteristic
ways of being in the world. Bill’s mother’s remarks
when she visited him were always negative, judgmental and critical.
She would criticize his weight, his home, his garden and his children.
I asked him to make a list of her “pet peeves” before
her next visit. He was to check the items she mentioned and add
any he had forgotten to include. Instead of reacting to her remarks,
he realized that she was predictable. She went through the same
litany no matter what he was doing or saying and he stopped taking
it personally and realized this was his mother’s way of expressing
dissatisfaction, not with his life, but with her own. It wasn't’t
his weight but her weight that bothered her, it wasn’t his
house but her house that was messy. Instead of feeling hurt he began
to take more interest in her life and she felt heard and understood.
6. Value your positive energy and attitudes. Be
aware that there are reasons why family members are cranky, difficult
or unhappy and take an interest in what might be causing those feelings
in their life outside of the family. Negative feelings are easily
expressed at home. At work, negative feelings may have to be suppressed
if the person is to keep their job. Remember issues like debts,
worries, pain and discomfort cause bad moods. Explore to see if
these problems exist and if there any way you can be supportive
before you jump to the conclusion you are the cause of their mood.
7. Our moods are like filters. When we feel confident
and happy, we easily filter out negative comments but if we feel
self-critical and moody, the filter does not work as well and criticisms
get through our defenses. June’s mother remarks, “You
are too fat/thin/etc” and June feels hurt. Her mother gets
through her filter because June worries about her weight. When June
is confident about your appearance she won’t care what her
mother says. So, remember, remarks that “push your buttons:”
are triggering your own criticisms of yourself. The answer is not
to be annoyed with the family member who “points the finger,”
but to work on building a healthy sense of self-worth.
8. All families have shortcomings. If your family
has problems with money management, organizational skills, addiction
to overeating or lack of anger management, they are not the best
role models for teaching you good skills in those areas of life.
Rather than get angry about your families problems, realize those
problems exist because they don’t know any better way to do
it. Go to therapy to learn relationship skills or how to manage
your temper. Join classes for money management. Read self help books.
In other words, don’t complain about their faults: learn how
to avoid those pitfalls in your own life.
Final Thoughts:
Finally, remember we are all 80% okay and 20% not okay. Get to know
your own pitfalls and learn how to manage them and when you come
across the pitfalls of others, don’t be judgmental. Instead,
try to learn how to avoid falling into them. We all enjoy approval,
acceptance and love.
In a family, be the first to give the love instead
of waiting for the other person to go first. Even if you are rejected,
you can look in the mirror and know you have made the first step
in building a better world.
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