The Should Solution
Sylvia Mills, Ph.D.
You should exercise but you don’t…. You should
lose weight but you aren’t… You should do this
task, but you haven’t…
And so it goes on…. Shoulds are orders we give ourselves.
A lot of the time, we don’t want to obey those orders. If
we did we would exercise, lose weight and complete the tasks we
don’t want to do.
As soon as you change the words to I can choose to
or choose not to you put yourself in a position of
taking responsibility for choosing or not choosing to do a particular
behavior. Let’s take the statements above and turn them into
choices:
“I can choose to exercise or I can choose not to
exercise.”
- If I choose to exercise then I will feel physically fitter
and healthier but it will take thirty minutes and I don’t
have a lot of time. I don’t feel like exercising but if I
force myself to go for a walk I know I will feel better afterwards.
- If I choose not to exercise then I can do something else
I need to do, but I probably continue to feel depressed and sluggish.”
If I stay home, then I can watch the program on T.V. but I won’t
feel as good about myself later.”
“I can choose to lose weight or I can choose not
to lose weight.”
- “I can choose the non-fat yogurt which will help
me keep off the calories or I can choose the Danish pastry with
the fat and sugar.”
- I can choose to eat because I feel lonely or, I can go for
a walk and maybe meet someone I know or telephone a friend.”
- “I am not hungry so I can choose to refuse food or,
I can eat more because it tastes good and face the consequences
on my weight.”
“I can choose to do this task or I can choose not to do this
task”
- If I complete my homework now I will complete it before
I am too tired, but I will miss the start of my T.V. program. If
I watch the program first, I will not enjoy the program if I know
I have to do the work later when I am tired. If I don’t do
it, I will get into trouble tomorrow.”
- “I hate doing this work but if I choose to do it first,
at least it will be out of the way and I won’t have to think
about it again. On the other hand, if I choose to leave it, I will
know I am procrasinating and that will reduce my self esteem and
increase my dissatisfaction plus I will still have to do it and
it is overdue.”
The Should Solution
Write down 5 shoulds you use frequently…. Now change the
word should into I can choose to
……… or I can choose not to…….
And add the consequences each choice involves….
NOW MAKE A DECISION ABOUT WHAT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST
To choose to... or, to choose not to...
[You should try this – no, no, no! You can choose to try
it or not choose to try it…]
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